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[Instead of the usual "Hello!", a heavy metal-type tune starts up.]
Well, that was different.
Anyway, hello!
And welcome to the digital multimedia player A320 review, from our friends at Dingoo...
...who we've never heard of.
The Moon Men say "Hello."
Here it is!
It's a handheld games console...
...for playing games from other systems...
...using the dark wizardry of emulation. [Evil laugh]
Let's have a look at the box.
It's white. Box is black. We get it.
Says "Digital Multimedia Player" on it. It's an A320.
Nothing particularly surprising here.
Does a bit of 3D, apparently.
And it's got a horrible hologram on...
What does it say? Realplayer!?
Oh, if I'd known that I'd have worn gloves.
Oh, dear.
Anyway, what could possibly go wrong?
Other than the autofocus.
Everything's written on it in Chinese, and I don't understand it.
So I'll just nod politely and say "Yes."
Yes.
Yes.
Oh, and some other bits at the bottom.
Pity the autofocus doesn't.
Game.
Music.
Video.
Photo.
AV Out.
FM.
Recorder.
E-Book.
Browse.
Setting.
No more box!
Wow. Everything a growing boy needs.
And, what else do we have? This is in English.
Oh, these are the games it emulates, or the systems it emulates from, more specifically.
FC, that'll be Famicom, or Nintendo Entertainment System, the old 8-bit doohicky.
SFC. Yep, Super Nintendo.
Megadrive.
Gameboy Advance.
Oh, Neo-Geo's arcade system, interesting.
And both of Capcom's old arcade systems.
Lovely, that's a fairly good range, there.
And, it's got four gigabytes of in-built storage...
...so no faffing about with memory cards.
Lovely!
Something I am quite interested in...
...if I hold the box up the right way...
...is Dingoo's logo, which seems to be some sort of paw print.
So, presumably, rather than "Dingoo" they meant it to be "Dingo"?
I don't really know.
Perhaps it's a bad translation.
Perhaps it's a joke.
Perhaps I don't care.
That'll be it!
Right.
Let's open the box up, then.
Opens up easily enough.
And we have inside... Oh, many leaflets.
We have...
Manual, in Chinese.
A thing with circles and crosses on in Chinese.
Yes.
Oh, an English one!
User manual! Hooray!
Let's have a look.
Games!
Plays games in [he mumbles] formats, and play more by upgrading the software.
Hmm.
Not only have they provided English instructions...
...but they've translated them properly.
Thumbs up to Dingoo!
I've always wanted to say that!
Thumbs up to Dingoo!
[He laughs]
Moon Men
That's going to be my catch phrase from now on.
Alright, maybe not.
The emulator itself.
That's actually interesting.
Well, we'll look at that in a minute.
What else is in the box?
Eeerrmm...
This.
USB and...
Actually, I didn't... haven't actually looked at that...
...derder, what? Dwer-wer-wer.
[The device clicks as the prongs move about]
Mains adaptor?
Must be. Mains adaptor for somewhere where...
...they only have two prongs.
If that's the country you live in, raise your hand.
Marvellous. Well, that's no good to me whatsoever.
'Cause I have to have three differently shaped pins or it won't work!
What's here?
TV out.
Marvellous.
Cheap-y headphones.
Uh... Run of the mill.
Actually, look slightly less cheap-y than usual, but...
...still wouldn't want them in my ears, particularly.
Do not adjust your set!
I've turned off the autofocus, because it is a thing of evil!
Now, we should hopefully be able to see, in beautiful manual focus...
The Dingoo A320 thingamajigmabob!
And you can also see my M. C. Escher print on the wall.
Wow! Two for the price of none!
Well, as you can see, it's piano black and shiny...
...which means it collects dust from all over the known universe...
...and will actually suck your fingerprints off from across the room!
I hate piano black, which is why I ordered the white one.
At least, I thought I ordered the white one, because, as you may have noticed, I got a black one.
Right, let's have a look round the edges.
Speakers.
USB connector.
Ugh... miniSD slot.
Mini SecureDigital cards being the one type of memory card I don't have...
...even an adapter for.
Should get one, really.
AV out.
So you can plug it into your telly, and wonder why you bothered.
Headphones.
Hold and power.
Hold that power!
Because we've got left and right buttons like what those other consoles have...
...on the top.
And, on the other side...
A reset switch, and a microphone!
Interesting, I'd forgotten it had a mic.
Right, it's quality control passed.
Phew! Dodged a bullet, there!
And there is the Dingoo logo...
...which is wonderful because it makes it look like a hound...
...has stepped on your console.
Right, well, the overall look of it

is, as you have probably gathered...
...is not dissimilar to half of a DS lite...
...where the top half has been stolen by an evil thief!
And... Well, it feels alright in the hands, really.
What more do you want?
It's got proper buttons.
D-pad feels a bit better than the DS lite one...
...but then again having your arm broken feels a bit better than the DS lite one.
Oh well. Can't put it off any longer.
I shall switch it on after these important messages.
Wow, those were important messages!
Right, let's turn this thing on.
Dingoo Digital!
Hooray!
Hurry up!
There we go.
Right, the first option is the game center, the only bit we really care about.
It offers a choice of "3D game", or "Interesting game".
The implication being that none of the 3D games are interesting.
"Not true." he says, from previous experience.
Anyway, we'll pretend we care about the other things briefly.
Music hall!
Possibly "Music hell". No, it is "Music hall", isn't it?
What does it play? All these musics that were preloaded.
Always interesting to see what the manufacturers put on.
Also, notice an interesting range of formats.
Old ape and flac and mp3 and everything.
What is "ShaLaLa"?
Let's find out.
[A rubbishy piano tune starts playing]
Hmm, sounds awful.
Anyway, stop that.
[The "music" stops]
Or we'll get sued, like.
What else have we got?
Movie theater!
Oh, lovely!
What videos are on offer?
Um, I want to see that one 'cause it's got a 2 on the end.
"Continute from last time?" Certainly, even though I can't remember what it was.
Oh, something from Universal Pictures.
Oh, it's Hellboy 2!
Aaahhh! Get it off! The lawyers will kill us!
Blimey, that was a close one.
Um, yeah, basically, the video playback is ok...
...but you wouldn't want to watch it for too long.
It's a bit of a low bitrate.
Or, in Layman's terms, "Get's a bit blocky and the colours go a bit funny."
Right, radio.
Oh, I'm not opening that can of worms.
It picks up radio signals. Enjoy.
Record.
You can record yourself swearing then play it back at your grandmother.
Oh, it'll show pictures.
Go on, then, what pictures have we got?
Urm...
Here's one of two pretty ladies.
That will do nicely.
Thank you. Yes, you can show pictures.
Oh, and it plays flash files!
Don't think there are any on here - oh!
There is one on here.
What is this?
[Animation speaks Chinese]
It is some animals talking.
Interesting.
Um, yeah, the problem with the flash player is, while it looks all well and funky...
...in fact, it's a little bit rubbish.
Because there's no interaction with it whatsoever.
So, if you've got a nice flash animation to play, and you have to click "Start"...
...you can't click start.
Bit of a problem, that.
Library!
Ebooks. Ugh... ebooks.
Who on earth would want to read a whole book on a screen this big?
Go on, give us a quick look.
What is this?
Run from last. Yeah, sure. It's all in Chinese and I can't understand it.
As you can see... I mean, you'd have to have something horribly wrong...
...with your brain and eyes...
...if you were even vaguely considering reading any large amount of text off this.
Right, what's left? Let's pretend to care.
Connect to your TV. No.
Browser. Not a web browser, surely?
No. Not. It just browses the internal systems.
And system setup, so you can turn it all to Russian and then not understand anything.
Marvellous.
Right, I'm going to do proper TV-out recording...
...because, let's face it, me floating this in front of the camcorder is quite horrible.
But I'll quickly show you one of the 3D games.
"Interesting game", incidentally, are the emulated ones.
3D game being originals!
Um... Oh, they'll be in the 3D folder, presumably.
Right, what have we got?
Brick, Candy, Hsingtin...
...Linkemup, Snake, Tetris.
"Yi-chi King Fighter." Sounds Fun.
"Ultimate Drift." Hmm...
The last game I played on this, basically you controlled a man with no head...
...who ran around, hitting people with a sword.
It wasn't very good. Very sub-Playstation One.
Let's try "Ultimate Drift".
Sound. Yes.
Ooh. Ultimate Drift.
It's the last drift ever, so make sure you don't miss it.
Any key to start.
Tournament, go on then.
Yeah, that'll do.
[Game: 3... 2... 1... GOOOOO!] [With a slightly Chinese accent.]
Ashens: Gooo!
Which one's accelerate?

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